As I’ve written before, I enjoy looking backstage at my site and seeing what web searches have brought people to joshwolk.com. But I decided to get more specific and see what searches people were doing on Christmas and Christmas Eve to bring them here. I was a bit surprised at the results.

CROTCH SMELL VINEGAR A man sits at a family gathering, as they all drink egg nog and sing carols. Everyone is enjoying themselves, the ham’s in the oven, but he sits forlornly on the couch, thinking, “The chestnuts are roasting, the pine smell fills the room from the Christmas tree, and hot apple cider steam wafts about the room, but I can’t smell any of it because of THE WAVES OF VINEGARY STINK THAT ARE EMITTING FROM MY CROTCH! DAMN YOU, CROTCH, FOR BEING LOCATED RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE!” How bad is this smell? Do others smell it? Do they make him wrap his crotch in Saran Wrap to contain the stink, or does he have to go in another room and be passed plates of food and presents through a pneumatic tube? Must be another room, because it’s there that he types a search that he hopes will rescue Christmas for him.

LIFEGUARD PORN Ho ho ho! It’s a Red Cross-trained pool worker with a penis the length of 18 candy canes!

LITTLE GREEN PELLETS FROM MICE I suppose this is what you run to the computer to search for when you realize that those green pellets on the Christmas cookies you just ate were not candy.

RATE MY DICK I thought Christmas was a time to put aside all judgments and rejoice?

HOW BIG IS JOSH DUHAMEL’S PENIS I get this search all the time, and it continues to befuddle me as to why this question plagues so many people. But I find it especially perplexing why it would demand attention on Christmas Day. Sure, it could be a Jewish Duhamel-penis fan, but shouldn’t he or she be at the movies like the rest of the Jews? Although perhaps he or she had been sent to Moviefone, and just got in this quick search first. “Hold on, I’ll look up The Tale of Despereaux, I just need to get a quick measurement…”

VAN HALEN I’M GONNA FUCK YOUR GIRLFRIEND This, of course, is a famous repeated quote from David Lee Roth. Back in the ‘80s Van Halen heyday, legend had it that he stopped the show once, ostensibly because someone in the audience had squirted water on him. To one-up the squirter, he said something like, “That’s all right, because after the show, I’m gonna fuck your girlfriend!” He then probably said, “Shibideebop zazoo I’ll tell you right now aaaaaaa-oooo!” (Or some combination of these sounds.) Anyway, when you were 14, that seemed like the coolest off-the-cuff thing that a rock singer could say. I would later learn that he said this all the time, which meant that—gasp—perhaps no one was actually squirting him at all! And he would not be fucking anyone’s girlfriend! He’d probably be spending the evening doing what he always did, standing in front of a mirror, admiring himself and the flexibility of spandex pants as he did leg kick after leg kick. What is real anymore? That’s what makes me sad about this Christmas Eve search: it probably came from a lonely Van Halen fan who had no one to spend Christmas with, but decided to cheer himself up by looking for his favorite David Lee Roth clip: By fucking that guy’s girlfriend, Diamond Dave will save Christmas! He’s like the Rudolph of girlfriend fuckers! He inputs the search in Google, and finds a reference to the line at a Chicago ’83 concert…but wait, then there’s someone who heard Dave do it in Atlanta, ’84…and Topeka ’82…. Oh my God, it’s like walking down the street and seeing three Santa Clauses. Christmas is ruined.

I’m a little afraid to see what searches will pop up on New Year’s Eve. Happy new year, and happy searching!